As I dusted off my hidden blade after Ubisoft Bordeaux dropped Claws of Awaji for Assassin's Creed Shadows in 2025, I realized I've spent more time in Animus-induced DLC than some relationships last. Sixteen years of historical tourism, mythical detours, and questionable design choices have given me enough material for therapy sessions until 2030. Let's revisit the glorious trainwrecks and surprise gems that made me question both Ubisoft's sanity and my life choices.

20. Assassin's Creed Revelations: The Lost Archive

Talk about false advertising! I expected Desmond uncovering Templar secrets, not playing Minecraft-lite in depression gray! Creating floating blocks while Subject 16's tragic backstory plays felt like assembling Ikea furniture during a funeral. The gameplay? Imagine Portal if Portal had a lobotomy. I'd rather listen to Altair recite tax codes than replay this blocky snoozefest. Ubisoft proved they could make parkour boring - an achievement rivaled only by making French Revolution paperwork exciting.

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19. Assassin's Creed Syndicate: The Last Maharaja

Ah, Victorian London - where glitchy NPCs twerk through carriages while I chase a fake diamond! This DLC's greatest mystery isn't the Koh-i-Noor but how Ubisoft made colonialism dull. Our Sikh prince deserved better than fetch quests with less emotional depth than Jacob's top hat. And Henry Green knew the MacGuffin was phony all along? That's like ordering UberEats just to watch the driver circle your block. At least the bugs provided comedy - watching Duleep Singh clip through Buckingham Palace almost justified the price.

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18. Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood: Copernicus Conspiracy

They turned the man who revolutionized astronomy into... an escort mission victim? Watching Copernicus cower while Borgia goons chased him felt like seeing Einstein used as a COD killstreak reward. The time trials had me screaming "The Earth IS flat when Ubisoft designs these!" Where were my telescope puzzles? My star-map assassinations? Instead we got glorified babysitting duty. Even Ezio's fabulous robes couldn't save this astronomical disappointment.

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17. Assassin's Creed 4: Black Flag: Aveline

Black Flag's DLC shorter than my attention span during pirate shanties! Forty minutes to reunite Connor and Aveline? I've had microwave dinners with more substance. Watching Liberation's badass heroine reduced to bush-hopping simulator 2025 felt criminal. Where was the bayou magic? The voodoo intrigue? Instead we got bargain-bin stealth even Edward's drunkest crewmate could ace. The only thing "grand" about this was Grand Theft Auto: Victorian Bush Edition.

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16. Assassin's Creed Odyssey: The Fate of Atlantis

When my historical stab-'em-up became Greek God Fanfiction.net! Suddenly I'm fighting Hecatoncheires like some rejected God of War DLC. Don't get me wrong - Elysium's visuals made my graphics card weep joyfully. But watching Kassandra chit-chat with Persephone felt weirder than finding Socrates at a frat party. Since when did Assassins Creed become Mythology's Bizarre Adventure? At least Cerberus made a good boy - 10/10 would pet again before questioning Ubisoft's life choices.

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15. Assassin's Creed Valhalla: Dawn of Ragnarok

Ragnarok? More like Ragnar-NOPE! Trading hidden blades for god powers felt like ordering steak and getting tofu shaped like steak. That Power of the Raven ability? Basically drone mode before drones existed. And the Muspels? Less terrifying apocalypse bringers, more angry campfire emojis. Worst part? Even as Odin, I still had to raid monasteries for crafting materials. Nothing says "divine retribution" like looting cabbage from Irish monks!

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14. Assassin's Creed Odyssey: Legacy of the First Blade

Finally! Actual Assassin lore that doesn't involve Zeus' family drama! Meeting Darius felt like finding your dad's old leather jacket - cool but slightly musty. Learning about the OG hidden blade? Chef's kiss! But then Ubisoft RPG-forced Kassandra into hetero-normative baby-making like some Greek rom-com. My lesbian Kassandra looked at Natakas like he was undercooked moussaka. Couldn't we just bond over stabbing Persians without the awkward flirting?

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13. Assassin's Creed Valhalla: Wrath of the Druids

Medieval Ireland: Where Vikings and Christians compete for "Worst Tourists" award! Watching druids hallucinate werewolves after sniffing suspicious herbs felt like a college party gone right. And Flann Sinna's coronation? More dramatic than my last Tinder date. Though let's be real - navigating Irish politics made me miss England's straightforward "stab everyone" approach. Still, bonus points for gas-explaining the mythical stuff instead of going full Asgard. Progress!

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12. Assassin's Creed 2: The Battle of Forli

AC's first DLC: Proof that even Renaissance masters make oopsies! Protecting Caterina Sforza should've been thrilling, but the Orsi brothers had less menace than a soggy biscotti. And that flying machine segment? More tedious than Da Vinci explaining pulley systems at 3AM. The only memorable moment was losing the Apple of Eden - relatable content for anyone who's misplaced car keys. Honestly, this DLC's biggest crime was making Renaissance Italy feel like a DMV waiting room.

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11. Assassin's Creed Valhalla: The Siege of Paris

Finally - social stealth that doesn't suck! This DLC proved Vikings could be sneaky when not busy pillaging crockery. The black box assassinations? More satisfying than finding unburned bread in Eivor's longhouse. Scaling Parisian walls while guards argued about baguettes almost made me forgive Ragnarok's nonsense. Who knew 9th century France's greatest innovation was giving Vikings actual assassin training? Take notes, Dawn of Ragnarok - this is how you do DLC!

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So there you have it - my descent through AC's DLC underworld. Will Claws of Awaji avoid these pitfalls? Only time will tell. Until then, let's address your burning questions:

FAQ: Because You Know You're Curious

Q: Why do you keep playing bad DLCs?

A: Same reason people eat gas station sushi - misguided optimism and cheap thrills!

Q: Should Ubisoft stop with mythology DLCs?

A: Only if they replace them with AC: IRS Audit Simulator. Imagine stealthily deducting Templar expenses!

Q: Worst DLC trope?

A: Escort missions. I didn't buy AC to babysit NPCs with the survival instincts of lemmings!

Q: Will modern AC ever top Ezio's trilogy?

A: When pigs fly on Da Vinci's glider - so never. But I'll keep buying anyway like the sucker I am!